On Personal Demons, and Personal Ghosts

I just finished reading Abani's latest work, "The Virgin of Flames". This book is a lot different from his previous works, although it is embedded with many of his familiar themes of religion, haunting, identity, and overt sexuality. It takes place in Los Angeles, where I live, and revolves around a young adult visual artist named Black who is struggling to find his identity in a city that seems to be a land of transplants, maintaining no true identity of its own. Black is lost. His father is Igbo from Nigeria, and his mother is Salvadoran. He struggles with his mixed-race and mixed-culture background. He also struggles with abandonment and devlopmental issues because his father left to fight and died in the civil war in Nigeria, and his mother died of cancer after abusing him for a long time. All he has left of them are skewed and haunting memories. His father was an alcoholic scientist who claimed to believe in nothing but reason, and on the other side of the spectrum his mother was a deeply religious Catholic who imposed guilt-ridden rituals on Black throughout his childhood. Black's friend Iggy tells him he is haunted by the ghost of his mother, and that he can never find himself if he does not address this ghost and thus cause it to go away.

These are not the only issues complicating Black's sense of self. When he was younger, he was forced to wear dresses until he was six years old. A letter from his father explains this by saying that there is a curse on their family that calls for all males under the age of seven to die, so they have to hide the males by disguising them as females. After all this, Black grew to enjoy dressing as a woman, although he hides this fact from most people. He even steals women's clothing to dress up in private. During his childhood Black experiences confusing sexual experiences, such as the rape by a male gangster, the sprinkling of votive wax on his penis by his mother as a means of "penance", the watching of his dying mother masturbating in front of him. Now in his adulthood Black is obsessed with a transsexual stripper he calls Sweet Girl, and eventually he starts a sort of relationship with her. Black suffers greatly at his confusion over his sexual identity. Is he gay? A cross-dresser? A straight guy who dresses up solely to inspire his art? He also feels confusion over his race, culture, and religion? Is he black? Igbo? Catholic? Atheist? Salvadoran? It seems his only true source of solace is in his art, mostly murals that he creates on sides of walls in East Los Angeles or inside of builidings.

This book was a lot more narrative-based than Abani's last two novellas that I read, and less poetic. It reminded me much more of "Graceland", especially with the whole theme of dressing up to assume other identities, a form of "masking". I was both drawn to and away from this book simulatenously, if that contradiction makes any sense. Its strangeness intrigued me, as it is unlike any book I ever read, and it was hard to put down. At times, it even made me slightly uncomfortable, which is hard to do. I think this has something to do with the rawness and truth at the heart of Abani's novel. He is not afraid to be graphic and upfront, and I think I could see myself in Black at many moments. I guess I have always struggled with my sense of being, and coming to terms with my strange childhood. Many times I have felt "lesser than", and unable to escape the ghosts of my parents and my past. Although my struggle with identity is not the same as Black's, I definetely relate to his lack of internal peace, and his way of turning to art as means of expression and a sort of self-therapy. We all have our ghosts, and maybe that is why this book is at times very haunting.

Speaking of ghosts, and angels, and demons, that is a huge running theme in this novel. Not only is Black haunted by his mother's ghost, but he is also haunted by the Virgin Mary, who he becomes obsessed with, and the angel Gabriel, who constantly follows him around in different forms. He is both haunted and comforted by the Los Angeles River, which he seems to never be able to leave behind. I really enjoyed this focus on both real and imagined ghosts. Following from that, as you can probably tell from the title, there is a huge emphasis on religion, especially Catholicism, and the Virgin Mary. There is a sort of recurrent "good girl" (Virgin)/"bad girl" (Sweet Girl) dichotomy throughout the book. There is a lot on guilt, and ritual, and belief. Very interesting for my Jew-ness.

Funny enough, I am left thinking of this novel. I can't escape the chills it gave me for some reason. At times I wanted to stop reading, but I couldn't stop. I was searching for an end, for Black's internal peace, just like he was. Of course there can be no peace. Maybe I was truly searching for my own peace. Maybe I am still searching. Maybe this book reminded me of that. It is a strange, "fun-house" type ride throughout this book, and I highly recommend it for all the haunted souls out there. Be prepared to be uncomfortable, as you may just see yourself reflected on a way you never have before.

I will leave you with one part that left me thinking. Black is conversing with his friend Iggy, and she starts off:

""Look, let's not talk about it anymore. Origins aren't important, what happened, who did what to whom,, that whole postmortem crap. Matter of fact, even the change away from it isn't important. What's important is committing to the new life, whatever it is. Some things you just put in the ground and leave alone.'

The phrase about origins not being important echoed in his brain like a Ping-Pong ball richocheting off the insides of his skull. The fact of the matter was that he was obsessed with origins , and he believed that in his case, origins held the key to self-discovery. It seemed, though, that those with a clear sense of the past, of identity, were always so eager to bury it and move on , to reinvent themselves. What a luxury, he thought, what a thing, to choose your own obsession, to choose your own suffering. Him, he was trying to reinvent an origin to bury so he could finally come into this thing he wanted to be, and he knew that if he didn't find it soon, it would destroy him, burn him up."

I hope all of you check out Abani's novels and novellas. He also has poetry I would love to read, but it wasn't in the bookstore I am using for this project, though I'm sure i'll get my hands on it somehow. Seriously, he is one of my new favorite authors, and I would never have known about him without this project. I found out that he is now a professor at UC Riverside, so I am going to try to contact him to see if I can possinly meet him. I'll let you know how that goes.

And now, I think this is the last Abani book in the bookstore, so sadly, and happily, on to the next author. I'm not sure who that is yet, but I shall report back soon once I stop by there. Until then--